Rants
This is the return of the best part of citranomicon.com!!! Here is where I shit upon you, your sacred cows and spout off about everything that makes me vomit about your so-called culture.
July 7 2010
So many years have passed, so many things have happened. How can I catch up with it all? We had Bush, now we have Obama! The left and the right still fight each other half-heartedly fooling you braindead fucks out of your cash and your rights. They both work for the same team: TEAM BULLSHIT!!!
The King of Poppin' young boys cherries has passed away, and all of a sudden everyone is kissing his dead ass in the press? Death makes angels of us all I guess. Now we have oil gushing into the ocean non-stop thanks to B(ig)P(olluters). Quit blaming Obama! If you drive a car alone to work 50 miles a day, you only have the man in the mirror to blame (see what I did there?).
Metal has made some sort of comeback in popular culture, yet it still sounds braindead to me. Cookie-cutter drum triggered shit made to sound more pre-packaged than most pop music. I used shit drum sounds in the past because I was broke. It wasn't a production choice for me. Mic up some real drums you pussies!
Pop music never stops finding new ways to take a turd in my ears. Lady GaGa? What the fuck does that re-hashed Madonna-wanna-be have to say that is so new? Nice outfits. Dale Bozzio was wearing tinfoil, plastic tittie cups and too much make-up back in 1982!!! Only difference is that her band (Missing Persons) didn't suck.
December 7, 2003
Well it’s been a while. I have been busy doing great things like working for a living and creating the best music in the universe. What have you done that’s so great, you lazy human dirt ball? It’s obvious that Christmas is coming near, and the puke-inducing overload of commercialism that accompanies this putrid time of the year. Why do you idiots fall for this crap year after year? I have already expressed before why I hate the holiday just on religious terms, but this time I will comment on the worst element of Christmas, YOUR BLIND SUBMISSION TO THE CORPORATE MACHINE! That’s right assholes, buy gifts for other people that you can’t really afford. Beat down other shoppers to keep them away from that American Idol drum-set. Trample your own kind to get that screaming blob you call a child toys he’ll play with for only five minutes. You use your shopping cart as a weapon, and have the nerve to mourn over the loss of the spirit of Christmas? I laugh at you all. People have some nerve to call me evil for speaking the truth about the human race, while they step over the corpse of a trampled shopper to get the first grab of discount merchandise. When I first started this site and founded my religion, I was determined to destroy the human race. Now I am older and wiser, and realize that I don’t have to. Humans are self-destructive and selfish. You are my greatest tools to gain ultimate power.
August 5, 2003
Rap names suck. It amuses me to no end how stupid hip-hop artist’s names are. These guys are supposed to be tough with names like 50cent, Ice Cube, Ice-T, Q-tip, Eminem, 2-Pac, Flavor Flav and Snoop Dog? Give me a break. The last thing I think of when I hear these names is “gangsta”. What is the obsession with food and drinks here? If you want people to take you seriously, try not naming yourself after a chocolate candy, you got that Mr. Mathers? Misspelling words does not make you “hard”, dude. It makes you look stupid. Learn how to spell.
It’s not like rock is any better. Bono and The Edge? How about Bozo and The Edge of stupidity, fools. Axl Rose? Bitch please! The Axl is tough like a car part, but Rose represents his delicate side? What pretentious horseshit! Don’t even get me started on Sting. Oh, and what kind of tree hugging hippies would name their band YES? I hope Jon Anderson chokes on essence of ginger root. What a fruit basket!
There are some names I do like. Ol’ Dirty Bastard, now that’s cool. I especially liked it when he used the name Big Baby Jesus. That is classic. Ghostface Killa is another great one. Misspelled, but cool just the same. That sounds like a name to fear! Who the hell is scared of Snoopy? Good one Calvin, get a real name. There was a metal dude who called himself Fetus Fucker. Now that’s a name. Jizmac the Gusher is pretty sweet too. It of Abruptum rules. “It” has to be the coolest name in metal. I like names like Nagash, Dead, Ihsahn, Samoth, Mortiis and Slymenstria Hymen.
I have a friend who calls himself MC Korned Beeph. He’s dope. I’ll be bringing his music to you soon. He is a Pagan as well, and he worships the sandwich god Deli. Very spiritual indeed. Now DIE!
June 9, 2003
I’m am so sick of the music industry. If I were to list everything that’s going wrong in the music world, I would need to make a separate web page for this rant. I will try to make this as brief as possible. First of all, Metallica has released St. Anger. I have to admit that they got some of the metal back. The songs are kinda heavy, but still I have a major beef. What is up with that snare drum sound? It sounds like a garbage pail being hit with a flaccid donkey dick! Finally someone has beaten out Alex Van Halen for the worst snare drum sound on record. And what’s up with the rap/rock backing vocals on the title track? I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. Once you open the big can of suck, it’s hard to find your way back. By the way, I downloaded it. You think I would pay to hear one of their lame-ass albums? Well they can try to bust me, but I already deleted it from my hard drive. I was afraid the lameness of the songs would infect my computer.
If you want to know one way to get on my nerves quick, just write a pop album, and market yourself as a punk rock/anti-pop star. Can you say AVRIL? Can you say Good Charlotte? These posers need to bend over and receive the business end of a finely sharpened bowie knife, right up their ass. All the sneering in the world won’t make you punk. You think wearing a tie with a T-shirt makes you punk? You think just because you are covered with tattoos and spike your hair that makes you anti-establishment? Have any of you heard of Black Flag or the Dead Kennedys? Have these wieners ever listened to ‘London Calling’ by The Clash? Take your “street-cred” somewhere else, because I will juice you raw if you walk down my street. Good Charlotte’s music sounds like what an advertising agency would consider a “punk vibe”. Take the song “Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous” for example. Just insert the word PEPSI in the right place, and you’ve got punk-o-rama done yuppie style. Now listen to Avril’s “Complicated”, and tell me what makes her so anti-pop diva? The song could of easily of been a Christina Poop-alota, or a Britany Smears song. ARRRRGGGHHHH!
The rap game has also reached an all-time low. Almost every song is an advertisement for a lifestyle that is based on greed, sexism, violence and pure ignorance. All style, no substance. Not even Run DMC is safe from the glorification of gang violence. Some punk killed Jam Master Jay! Why? Probably to prove to someone he was keeping it real. It’s more like Chris Rock said, “keeping it real dumb”. This shit is out of control. Don’t be surprised if all out war erupts in the rap game. Some people are going to die. Oh well, less people for me to juice on my way up. If these wankstas wanna’ play, I gotta fizzle juice drizzle for their bizzle. Jizzo my bizzo beeeaaaatch!
Well, that’s all for now. Remember, if it ain’t juice illin’, it ain’t worth killin’. Peace.
March 27, 2003
War has started, and how does this make me feel? I know you are just dying to know all the juicy details of how this fits in with my plan. You see, you stupid Americans have played into my hands once again. Spend all your energy fighting Iraq, while I build my giant Citra-bomb. It is a biological warhead that turns all humans into fruit segments. Your pulp will flow freely through the streets. Don't think America is the end of it all, I will have control over the whole world, and you will be my willing seed. Have a nice war, America and Iraq. When you hear my next project, you will know true fear. The sounds will kill all weak, fake and stupid beings that make up the human race. The only way to peace, is by submission to me. Master Lyman, you better get used to the sound of that. Organica and Cornticula are on my side. May the twin spirits guide me to ultimate victory!
February 8,2003
My citra-sabbatical is done. I have many more surprises for you. A new album is in the works, and it will break your spine and fuck your frontal lobe into submission. I am in the process of recruiting mortals, and converting them into Citra-Ass Demons. They will bring my music to a live audience. If you expect us to play any shit from my previous releases, you will be disappointed. I am leaving convention behind. I created Orange Metal, and it is I who shall destroy it! The dawning of a new age is upon us. Hope you can handle it pussies!
On another note, there are more critics saying I have sold out again. The song in question is "Black Metal Bitches" from the last E.P., 'Corpus Citrus Doomicus'. Well, for shizzle my nizzle. I know I have been critical of Rap/Rock on this very page, but the song is not Rap/Rock. It is a new hybrid called Orange/Rap/Core/Metal/Pulp. I invented it bitch, so get off my dick! Why y'all gotta hate on me, dog? Don't hate the citra, hate the game.
August 13,2002
Summer is coming to it's end, and soon the harvest will be here. But it all seems empty and cold to me. Though the heat of the August sun burns me, I feel a chill in my soul. Darkness envelopes me like a shroud of rotten grapefruit peels. My bones ache with dissatisfaction and lust. Summer is an unforgiving whore, she rapes me silently in the fields. I am forlorn and must seek shelter. Oh wait a minute, I'm just hungry. Never mind.
June 12, 2002
Greetings slaves! On your knees scum, for I have a task for you my sour siblings. Find your local hippie/jam band hangout spot, and kill kill KILL! I hate these so called hippies, smelling of foul patchulli and lice crawling out of their hair. The lame music they listen to is as flaccid as the male hippies worthless fuck organs. I find it amazing that any of these fuckfaces can reproduce. Do your part, find any store that sells incense, and dip their supply in rat poison. Put cyanide in the bongs of the weak! Drown the losers in a pool of sacrament citrate. Show them the true meaning of "The Grateful Dead"! Until I can find a way to use their weak minds to "furthur" my bitter ends, I must destroy them. If you truly love me, you'll waste at least 100 of these fucks. And don't you dare blame me in court later on, you know you would of done it anyway, RIGHT?
May 21, 2002
Ha Ha Ha! I laugh at the music industry!!! Fools! My plan worked, and now I shall rule the earth. I suppose you have heard about these music copy protection bull-shit programs that are imprinted on some new CDs. WHAT? You haven't? Are you living in a cave or something? Well, let me spell it out for you. The music industry is so scared about MP3's and CD copying, that they decided to spend thousands of dollars to make "copy-proof" discs. Great idea, except it prevents CDs from being played on the computer (the main place I listen to CDs anymore), from being legally ripped for your own personal use (for small portable mp3, collection CDs of your favorite songs), and they even won't play on some older CD players! Well now comes the good part. Steal the latest Celine Dion CD (if you pay for it, you fail!), take a magic marker and mark around the outer edge of the CD, and kabamm! You have a cd that will rip, copy and upload on the Internet for all to download. Not like anyone wants to download Celery Dion's new album anyway. I endorse the free trading of music and movie files on the Internet. It does not hurt anyone except the record companies, and the movie studios don't get affected. Bands never make shit from record sales anyway, and people are still buying CDs and going to movies. People like to hold the album, read the lyrics, see the movies on big screens and leave the house once in a while, you big industry fuck-wads! You don't care about artistic vision, you just want complete control. Well I say "CONTROL DENIED FUCK FACE!!!". Oh well. Happy Birthday (tomorrow) Bram! May the pulp be with you...
May 12,2002
Well, it looks like I've been slackin' again. At least that's what you are thinking, aren't you? Well, believe what you want. I've got some new stuff on the way that will slay you into a juicy carcass for Nutritia's altar. I have many surprises for you weak fucks! There is more singing than screaming on the new shit. Already I can hear the distant cries of sellout! Fuck you! How can I sellout, when my whole point is to raise money to kill you all, or fuck you into submission with my hate? I will do anything to bring Nutritia and Lemon into their vitamin-enhanced glory! It's a citra thang, you just wouldn't understand. I must also comment on the recent accident involving one of my favorites in the current music scene, Creed's Scott Stapp. Let me express my condolences...
...THAT HE DIDN'T DIE!!! Fuck that Christian bible-thumpin' pussy fuck!!! I'll shoot him in the head while feeds his son Christian bullshit with "arms wide open". Let's see how he looks with SKULL WIDE OPEN!!! Also, A member of TLC died. Boo-fucking-hoo! I see all the music press found that news more important than the passing of a true musician, Layne Staley. But you know what? Fuck him too. Get the needle out of your arm, and drink some screwdrivers you fuck. Oh wait, too late. You died for a lame buzz. Anyways, fuck V-H1, MTV, MuchMusic and Rolling Stone. And what's this shit about The Strokes, The Red Stripes and The Hives? Rolling Stone is proclaiming these bands as the return of Rock-n-Roll. If this is Rock-n-Roll, then I say let it die. When Weezer is the only band rockin' on the charts, you have to wonder where did we all go wrong? Oh by the way, Rap-Rock still sucks, and it's dead. Long live true metal!!!
Mar.13,2002
It's been a while, but I'm back. You didn't think I was going to desert my followers, did you? (I might eat you for dessert though) No fucking chance jerky, I'm here to piss you off again in new and exciting ways. A lot of shit has happened since I last checked in. The winter O-limp-ics for one. I have some news for the media to cover, nobody gives a rat's ass about two idiotic pairs of ice-jockeys fighting over a gold medal. It's a judged activity, not a sport. How can you say the judges were wrong when it's judged by opinion instead of talent. They both sucked. Give the gold medals to a crack-head so he can pawn it for some rock. There's people starving everywhere, terrorists in our own country, dirty politicians and boybands polluting the airwaves, and we should care about pansies dancing on ice? Fuck that! And then there's R. Kelly. This idiot video-taped himself molesting under-age girls. OK jack-ass, break the law and video-tape it so you can go straight to jail. You might as well have done it in front of the police station. And further more, your music sucks. If this guy gets off with community service, I'll find him and drown him in lemon oil. That's all for now. Die!
Jan.27,2002
Welcome to the new year weaklings. Last year sucked, so let's forget that shit and move on. You humans still don't get it. Bin Laden is like Simon and Garfunkel when compared to my evil. The press would not give me credit, but it was I who gave George Harrison cancer. It was I who destroyed Dave Thomas with liver cancer! You will be next unless you start buying my antidote, "The Grand Forest of Grapefruit and Knowledge".
Nov.19,2001
Hello once again you miserable scum-sucking mortals. Fuck You, I hate you. Eat my shit, eat my fucking shit you milk-drinking, chemically enhanced fake plastic whores. I have a major hair up my ass this month, and it is a big over-hyped piece of garbage called "Harry Potter". Like these little brats know anything of magic? Ha! They speak of the dark arts in the film. It takes more than an annoying British accent to conjure up demons. When I think of the pain involved the time I conjured up my Man-Servant/Demoniod Tangerine Golgotha out of my ass, it angers me. This stupid movie makes it seem like it's easy. You try to pass a 300 pound stinky demon out your glory-hole and tell me how easy invokation is! I do not like Harry Potter, but I do enjoy Hairy Pot once in a while. It helps me forget how fucking lame you all are. You are all tools of society and government. But fear not, I have your salvation in mind. Only through death can you have the mighty communion with Nutritia, Goddess of Citra! Now piss-off!
Oct. 8,2001
Welcome to hell. The world is going to shit. Am I talking about terrorist attacks? No. What I am talking about is Shelby Lynn and other so called musicians disgracing John Lennon with their crappy performances. There was a tribute to John Lennon last week that seemed to be designed to induce vomiting. I have to admit The Stone Temple Pilots did a decent job on Revolution. But it was all downhill from there. I mean when Kevin Spacey is the highlight performance of the night, you know that music is in too sad of a state to pay tribute to a legend. Shelby Lynne did the worst crime, by doing "Mother" as a soul send-up, complete with over-singing. The fucking song is about losing your family and feeling alone, and all she can do is whimper like a white wanna-be soul-sista. If you want to hear the birth of the death metal scream, listen to John's version. By the end he's fucking loony about it. Well, there is one ray of light in all this citra-puss: The New Tenacious D album. Go buy it, crank it, bang your head and shoot your mighty juice to it! "Fuck Her Gently" has to be the best fucking song ever, besides all of mine...
Oct. 3, 2001
What's another way to say stupid asshole? Try this one for size- "Radio Personalities". Have you heard of these idiots Opie and Anthony?? These morons think they know it all, and talk like they could solve terrorism with ease. They have great insight to the recent tragedy such as "Let's bomb 'em all now." The scary thing is, people are listening to them and agreeing. Do you really think it's that simple? WAKE UP YOU STUPID FUCKS!! These guys are not idiots, they know how to hurt us. Conventional warfare will not stop terrorism. I WILL STOP TERRORISM, by killing and enslaving all of you to do my hateful deeds. If I hear one more jack-off like Howard Stern pretend like they know what's going on, I am going to pray to Nutritia to take a big dump on them. If you want to know what's going on for real, listen to National Public Radio, not Bob and Tom. Information could be the best weapon in any real war. And another thing, lick my juicebag you racist scumbags who think it's cool to attack Pakistani people and their businesses right here in America. You are nothing but our own version of terrorists. I've said my peace, now die!!!
Sept. 21, 2001
It's been about 2 weeks since the attacks on America. Things feel strange. I am unclear on what to do. Do I give up Citranomicon? Should I not make jokes about taking over the world and destroying the human race? After serious consideration, I decided to say fuck that. I will continue to go in the same direction. Just be aware that the Citranomicon site is for entertainment only. If you are offended by any content on this site, that's too bad. Go away. Fuck the terrorists, fuck the racists and fuck the oppressors of this world. Citranomicon stands for freedom and a good cup of orange juice on the side. And by the way, if you are a