Interviews:
2-6-2008 METAL WEINER QUARTERLY
By John Puppetton Jr.
This interview is one that I have been trying to get for years, yet dreaded at the same time. Lyman Sinister is the genius behind the mighty Orange Metal band, Citranomicon. He has little patience for the music press, and even less patience for humans in general. He has been on trial for the murder of missing journalist Scummy Nortonseed (who panned the first Citranomicon demo) in 2001, but due to the lack of evidence he was later found not guilty.
Years later he went into hiding after a strange series of events that boggles the mind. He tried to start a music label, lined up an impressive roster of artists who all ended up murdered in Lyman’s recording studio/torture chamber. He was put on trial for murder, found guilty and given the death penalty. Meanwhile his manager Larry Smith had taken the tapes of the recording sessions, which were littered with tracks of Lyman’s screaming victims being slowly tortured to death. Larry released a CD (The Murder Sessions) and edited out the screams in respect to their families. From jail Lyman threatened revenge on Larry, but Lyman was found dead in his cell a week later.
At this point Larry pulled all copies of “The Murder Sessions” off of store shelves, and there were rumors floating around that Larry now believed himself to be Lyman Sinister. He has now decided to re-activate Citranomicon, and insists that he used a blood orange ritual to switch bodies. He claims that Larry found himself in Lyman’s skin, trapped in jail to pay for a crime he did not commit. He claims that the man who died in jail was Larry Smith. The man who sat at the table with me did not look like Larry Smith. Maybe it was the corpse paint, but I’ll be damned in Fruitopia if the person I spoke with last week was not Lyman Sinister.
Metal Wiener Quarterly: Why are you so awesome and why does everyone else suck so badly?
Lyman: Fool! You will get nowhere with such flattery.
MWQ: OK, excuse my awkward and nervous start Lyman. I am a little scared of you, knowing your past deeds.
Lyman: I will not kill you unless you fail to serve my true purpose. You should fear me, but today I may spare you so that I can promote myself. Everyone already knows I am awesome and way above anything else on this putrid earth. Do not waste my time with such non-sense questions, or I will change my mind and puree you into oblivion.
MWQ: Noted. So I have to ask you, Sprite or Sierra Mist?
Lyman: How dare you speak of these things? Both of these drinks are blasphemy of true citrus sacraments, and must be eradicated from the earth with extreme prejudice!!! Don’t even get me started on Orange Crush, Hi-C and Sunny D! THIS TALK OF BLASPHEMOUS SUGAR DRINKS FILLS MY SOUL WITH PURE PULPY RAGE!!! But if I had to choose between those two, I’d go with Sprite.
MWQ: There has been very little heard from you for the past year, what have you been up to?
Lyman: Planning my rise to ultimate power, and trying to fix the mistakes of my former manager. He ruined my ultimate masterpiece by removing the bloody dying screams of weak humans. He also put too much gate on the snare drum, and that is unforgivable!!! I have to re-do the whole thing over again. This means I need new victims. That is why I have the myspace page now. I also have been working on “The Best Of Citranomicon” and a new CD of some of my most insane work to date.
MWQ: Why are you irresistible to both sexes?
Lyman: Because I smell lemony fresh. My B.O. smells like Key Lime pie, OF DOOM! Also, I am without gender. My sex is your destruction.
MWQ: What values did your parents instill in you?
Lyman: They died when I was very young. I grew up on my parent’s orange grove in the holy land of Florida. Our neighbor Jed was a milk farmer, and he sold out his farm to a private toxic waste disposal company for a million bucks. They poisoned the land, and my parents died of cancer because of it. However, I grew immune and developed special powers. I have become immortal evil enthroned. I am the destructor and bringer of end-times!!! I still have a strong distrust of milk farmers to this day, and I will avenge my parent’s death by killing and enslaving all humans.
MWQ: What vocal training have you had, if any? Or did Nutritia send you on a quest for ultimate vocal glory?
Lyman: I have no vocal training, I am a born master of all space and time. Singing is just one small percent of the talents I possess. Vocal glory is of little concern to Nutritia and I. It is just a tool to make you worship me so I can control your mind and possess your spirit.
MWQ: If you had to pick a piece of citrus for sexual relations, what would you choose?
Lyman: I copulate with all fruit types. Read what you will into that statement, mortal.
MWQ: Are you gay? There has been a lot of rumors on Blabbermouth.
Lyman: What does it matter? Male, female, he-she or whatever; all will be juiced on Nutritia’s Day!!!
MWQ: Thank you for your time Lyman.
Lyman: Thank you, mortal. And one more thing! The end draws near for all of you. Your systems are already breaking down, and you will turn to me for salvation. Save me some time by getting on your knees now to worship your eventual world leader.
